On returning home, I was under instructions to take steroids to prevent my brain from swelling, and causing further injury, and tablets to protect my stomach from the steroids. These were potent pills. My only other official orders were to rest, but as those who know me will realise, amongst other things, two things I'm not very good at are listening to orders, and resting.
Despite some resistance, I agreed to be waited on hand and foot for a week, without making a bid for freedom. I could handle this, and whereas it sounds glorious...I was not keen. I just wanted to be out, breathing fresh air, and using my wonderful wonderful legs. I received frequent visits from friends, and was brought near unlimited supplies of my biggest vice - Cadbury's creme eggs. It's worth noting that I wasn't allowed to drink prior to my six week appointment.
We took trips out to get me the fresh air I craved, and I was surprised by my own energy levels. Im not going to pretend I was fit for much, but a short wander here, and a coffee there went down very well. The week went quickly, but much to the frustration of Lydia, I was keen to re-establish my independence. It was during this week that I sensed some tension in Lydia. I was extremely grateful for everything she was doing for me, and didn't want to see her upset, so I asked what was bothering her. She was mortified that I had picked up on it, but she eventually let on that she was disappointed at not being able to do more for me. I had never once thought that this would be an issue, as I was keen to be as little a burden as possible, so never appreciated that the tension and difficulties we had suffered before my diagnosis would have prompted Lydia to want to do as much for me as possible after my treatment.
I think I'm right in saying that Lydia felt some guilt at not being able to do more when I was in the pre-diagnosis period of uncertainty, where I was questioning my very being. In some senses, i think it affected her that she hadn't known sooner what was going on, or the magnitude of what I was going through, which of course was impossible prior to the scans, as I had done everything in my power to minimise the appearance of it. I didn't appreciate these effects, even when I was discharged from the hospital, and only now really realise how she must've felt - Seeing the decline of a loved one, and attributing it to that person, rather than an unforeseen factor, and then not being allowed to make amends. I think these factors had a big impact on our relationship, but I simply wasn't in a time of my life when I wanted to be looked after. I wanted to be back on my own two feet.
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