If you've ever been involved in those banal conversations that take place over beers, you'll probably understand where this next concept came from. During a conversation recently at the pub, I was described as a logician. A problem solver that uses the power of logic. That pretty much sums up my approach to life. I like this about myself, and it's got me this far in life, so it can't be that bad. I employed this approach as I tried to work out what was going wrong.
Being a simple soul, I took for granted the fact that my casual mix of movies, music, football, and buddies was all in order, and tried to break it down the leftovers...what problems did I have in my relationship? What problems did I have at work? Was I happy in both, or either. I tried to go about making changes in my work. I had difficulties in my relationship, but nothing that I thought would unsettle me to this degree. I knew that I felt unsettled at work, and as I've described before, I was finding it more difficult to complete routine tasks, to get my head around the evidence, to keep track of what I'd done and not done - all of which had come easily to me before. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this kind of work. Complex casework had seemed like a good idea, but had I bitten off more than I could chew? Day by day I was becoming more frustrated, less motivated, and I knew it was time to talk to my boss.
I sat down in the Detective Inspectors office at Harrogate Police Station. My boss was a calm and assured woman, who I had enjoyed working for. I always felt that I had the necessary support, and had seldom felt the need to ask anything of her, so I felt confident that my concerns would be taken seriously. I've never been a whinger, and I've never shirked work, so felt that if I could vocalise my concerns adequately, I would be supported for a move. I'd identified another area that I thought I could try, so went about discussing my concerns. I tried to explain that I wasn't enjoying the work I was doing. This wasn't strictly true, as the truth probably would have been that I now felt unable to do my work properly. My boss' answer was to shift my focus where I was, and use that to motivate me. Of course that was her answer. It was the right answer. She didn't want to wave goodbye to a a member of staff, irrespective of my worth. She'd be giving away a pair of hands for no good reason. I was forced to accept this, and continue. The truth is, she had re-motivated me, but the real issue was still ripping through my every thought.
I had two main cases at the time. One, an international fraud which demanded a continuity of thought process that I was rapidly losing. The other, an arson, where an elderly couple had very nearly lost their lives, as well as their home. I owed it to the victims of these crimes to do a proper job of investigating their crimes. I demanded it of myself, to investigate their crimes fully, and to the best of my ability, but in truth, my confidence in my ability to do this was waning rapidly.
Where was I supposed to go from here? I asked myself this regularly. I was trying to solve my own problem, and stop this decline in my happiness...in my confidence...in my feeling of self.
I spoke with one of my closest friends, in the hope that by talking it through, I would be able to trigger some sort of epiphany. My friend listened brilliantly, and gave advice as only he can, but still nothing was clear. There simply didn't seem to be a problem of the magnitude that I was feeling the effects.
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